Fred and George's Guide to Pulling Pranks
by imafeckingstarr
Summary: Fred and George here! ...And Ron! Shut up Ron. Here's our Guide: Pulling Pranks! Of course, you young Hogwartians deserve nothing but the best! And what are we? The Best! The best of the best; well, it's something like that, isn't it George? AU
1. A Simple Introduction

'_Fred and George's Guide to Pulling Pranks:  
Introduction'_

Hello there, dearest readers! It is our greatest pleasure to leave behind our guide for simple, yet effective pranks that need to be scattered across the one and only Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Who're we, you ask? We're the pranking extraordinaire duo: Gred and Forge! (Fred, don't you mean, 'Fred and George?') Yes, well, if you want to be boring George; the title is also 'Fred and George.'

As many of you Hogwartians may already be aware of, Fred and I left a surprise for our _favourite_ Defence against the Dark Arts professor (George, I don't think 'favourite professor' actually covers it), Professor Umbridge; to handle with whilst we fetched our brooms from her overly-I'm-infatuated-with-kittens-bows-and-the-colour-pink office.

Within the depths of this _5000-paged-guide_ (Hermione: Fred, George, is your guide _really_ that long, or have your over-exaggerated simple minds gone AWOL and left you delusional?) lies our uttermost darkest secrets to our inventions, favourite schemes and hilariously humorous ways to annoy a) those you despise, b) your Professors, c) your dorm mates; or d) any of the above.

Hogwartians of all kinds; Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Slytherin (Actually, if Slytherins got a hold of this book, they'd most likely turn it in to the greasy bat of the dungeons – who would probably give friends of ours and our family detention for a month; or make them do something worse. Like wash his hair, for instance).

So take care as you divulge in our fantastic wonders and our comical adventures that occurred during our memorable time at Hogwarts. Young pranking witches and wizards are _needed_ (Ron: well, no, they're not really needed, are they Fred? It's not like pranking can be a job, is it?) during these ridiculously dark times.

To contact us in any way, shape or form owl us at:

Fred and George Weasley  
Weasley's Wizard Wheezes  
106; Diagon Alley

OR

Fred and George Weasley  
The Burrow  
London, England  
Ottery St. Catchpole

Oh, and before we leave this introduction on a standby, there's something that us twins would like to ask you; our loveable young readers. Kick Mrs. Norris for us, please? Thank you and Good Luck!

_Fred and George Weasley  
Pranking experts _

* * *

_Fred and George managed to write a feature lengthed novel about their pranks and schemes they got up to whilst they were at Hogwarts. With small inputs and insights from their friends and family; Fred and George managed to write step by step how to create certain pranks; how to pull them off and how to make them incredibly successful._

I can promise you now that none of the Weasley's or any of their friends were given detention OR had the misfortune to wash Professor Snapes' hair as this introduction was written (:

Read and Review!  
imafeckingstarr xx


	2. Part I: The List

'_Fred and George's Guide to Pulling Pranks:  
Part I –__** THE LIST**__'_

You've all heard of the 'insufferable-know-it-all' have you not? Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Princess, irksome brain box, intellectual genius? You've all heard of her, right? As she grew extraordinarily close to our..._sweet_ little brother _Ronnie-kins_; she decided to write a nice list of things that we were no-longer allowed to do _ever_ whilst we were still at school.

So, in honour of this 'small list' we thought it was, well, prudent to include it; and encourage these to be admitted and performed by anyone and everyone!

**THE LIST; **By Hermione Jean Granger: **  
**  
1) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

2) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

3) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda; and therefore I cannot encourage first years to call him it.

4) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "Time of the Month," no matter how humorous I find it.

5) I will not give Hagrid _pokémon_ cards and convince him they're real animals (Because he _will_ believe you).

6) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

7) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout insanely hilarious muggle references such as, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"

8) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.

9) I will not dress up in a Dementors suit and use a dust-buster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.

10) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!"

11) It's not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apperate.

12) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.

13) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.

14) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

15) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes." (No matter how humorous it is)

16) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant (even if it _is _Malfoy...)

17) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

18) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental spell.

19) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy. (He _will_ take you up on it.)

20) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy (Though his Father_ does_ walk around with one! ...Kinky)

21) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

All of these rules, no matter how many scolding looks we received from our precious Hermione, were some-what continuously broken until she attempted to owl our mother. (Hermione: Attempted? Boys, I _did _owl your mother!)

Running round The Burrow _naked_ to get insights for this chapter wasn't exactly the best idea we ever had, was it Fred? (Fred: What're you talking about George? It was the best thing that had happened _all_ day!) I'm fairly certain the female members of the house didn't want to see, well, _your_ Basilisk, did they? (Fred: Well, they didn't want to see _yours _either...)

**Ron: If you're going to go through with ANY of these 'rules' then first things first: Make sure you have a laugh. Going through any sort of practical joke and not enjoying it isn't worth doing.**

_Harry: Dressing up as Voldemort sounds like a great idea; __but when everyone misinterprets your practical joke and mistakes you for the real thing; nasty hexes and jinxes begin to fly around the place you know you've gone too far. Make sure you know when enough is enough._

Hermione: Just don't go through with these, they're immoral, wrong and utterly foul. (Fred and George: WHAT? Hermione, this is for a good cause!) No matter what Fred and George say to convince you to break the rules, just don't do it. Being a model student is the way to go! (Ron: Yeah...if you want the pants bored off you)

* * *

_Well, that was something, don't you agree? Before anyone mentions anything, yes, I was sent the list as a fat chain mail thing about what to do and what not to do at Hogwarts (: I just picked out some of my favourites and decided to use them.  
OhMyWizardGod; don't sue me if you hate it D:_

Also, I've kinda noticed that so many people are adding this to their alerts, but not reviewing. I would really appreciate it if you reviewed; the more reviews I get, the better I'll get at writing y'know? ALL comments are needed (: Thank You.

Read and review!

imafeckingstarr xx


	3. Part II: Devious Scheme 1

'_Fred and George's Guide to Pulling Pranks:  
Part II: __**DEVIOUS SCHEME #1'**_

Where on Earth do we start? (George: Second year Fred, that was an utterly hilarious stunt we pulled, if I do say so myself) Ah, yes, our second year. We were young, carefree and innocent... (Lee: You two were never innocent!)

Yes well...never mind. Hogwarts always manages to do something to their Defence Against the Dark Arts Professors, correct? They've never managed to have one for more than a year (Ron: That's because the position is jinxed, everyone knows that George).

Being as our implausible magical school couldn't keep a teacher for that special subject, George and I thought it was menacing to intervene with this particular bore of a Professor. (George: 'Ear, 'Ear!)

Professor Cunningham was an arrogant, fool-hardy, egotistical, and narcissistic dunderheaded fool who couldn't – wouldn't – see past the end of his abnormally large nose.

Gilderoy Lockhart (another Defence teacher we acquired later on in life) practically mirrored this bumbling idiot. Within this chapter; with the help of our very good friend Lee Jordan, we're going to re-tell the adventurous tale how Fred and I managed to concoct a perfect brew of Polyjuice potion; become Professor Cunningham, and lure his class of first years into the Forbidden Forest.

_Hello all! Lee Jordan here and I'm going to make this story sound more believable than the twins' version they ran past me._ (George: How the hell was that not believable Lee? It was the truth!)

_Roughly about the beginning of November; the beginning of our second year, we were blessed with the presence of dear old Professor Cunningham, the new, good-looking, young Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. Although his looks were striking (_Fred: Lee, even _I _looked better than him; and I was what? 12?) _this fantastical Professor was mind-numbing; utterly monotonous. _

_One morning, Fred and George told me about their plan... _

(Fred: Lee, this sounds boring! Get to the good stuff already!) _Calm down Fred, I'm getting there! _(George: Can you at least make this sound interesting? I'm falling asleep here!)

_You know what boys? You tell it, since you seem bored by my tedious explanation. _

Thank you Lee for the umm, uninspiring insight! Now, back to the story! On the morning of November 12th 1990, George and I concluded a perfect blend of Polyjuice potion. You're all reading this, with mouths gaping open, shaking your heads in disbelief, aren't you?

Well believe it or not, we're rather skilled at potion brewing. Well we have to be, if we wanted to pull off our best and rather devious plans. Moving forward, then! Intending on using a fair bit of the Polyjuice potion that morning; Fred and I stumbled into our...'attractive' Defence Professor on the way to the Great Hall for breakfast.

As George hideously apologised repeatedly to the blithering idiot, I sneakily plucked a few hairs from his head – as you do.

As soon as Breakfast came to a halt, and all the teachers and students piled out of the hall; we cornered the Professor and innocently locked him in the nearest broom cupboard (Fred: George, you missed out a vital bit of information!) ...What? What did I miss? (Fred: We knocked him out with our stinkers!)

Oh yes, I _do_ remember doing that, now that you mention it.

Scampering off to our dorm quickly, which was conveniently the place where we hid our concoction, Fred added in the hairs hastily of the stupid Professor and the potion frothed and bubbled and the colour changed to a murky type of sludge.

It looked revoltingly nauseating.

George chugged back the sickening liquid remedy and transformed into the daft blond we had to call a Professor. My laughable twin headed towards the classroom to which he was supposed to be teaching in, as I wrote a little note for the dunderheaded fool for later.

_Later on that period, _George had insisted on taking the class of first years he was teaching into the Forbidden Forest. Obviously, the meek iccle firsties were against it, but you're not allowed to go against the Professor and their teaching thingamajig! (Or so we're told...)

Fred crept into the empty classroom and placed the note onto the teachers' desk and scurried out of the class; whilst I was strolling out into the grounds, giving the small group of first years a little detour to the forest. Darting back to the broom cupboard, Fred unlocked the door and sprinted out of harms way.

George, as planned, left the first years in the forest somewhere, and managed to get out of there before he changed back into himself.  
We mentioned earlier that Fred wrote a note to the Professor. It told the inarticulate bumble where to find his class and was signed with a mere '_love from me!' _

The moral of the story is: _If you have a boring Professor and want to do something fun; become that Professor and take over their lessons for the day!_  
...That and don't leave first years in the Forbidden Forest; you'll be the one responsible for them _all_ having to see a shrink or some kind of psychological healer.

* * *

_Oh Dear, those poor first year students!  
So, what did you think? Was it good, bad, terrible, awesome? You tell me, I need to know :) A huge thank you to Tana (Tanny Apple) for helping out with the plot of this chapter; love you lots!_

Now's the time for you guys to Review! You've already accomplished one 'R,' will you do my the honor and do the other one?

imafeckingstarr xx


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